Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.