*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Morning all.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I am HOWLING at this
