Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Arrest that man!

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.