Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

who wants to go expliring

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.