*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My spirit animal is fried chicken
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!