[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
The little toadstool has spoken.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
#catsoftwitter
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)