Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
You Might Also Like
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.