Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
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Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.