Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

no

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.