Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!