Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: