Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

It kinda feels like this rn

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.