Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
You Might Also Like
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.