Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Beards are a privilege, not a right

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.