Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.