Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
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[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.