Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

Banana is the quietest snack