Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see