Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
You Might Also Like
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
early stone age tool
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem