Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

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It’s been the “longest week ever” for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them


*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.


My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.


Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends


Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.


All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????


Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.


Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian


I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.