It’s been the “longest week ever” for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
American Horror Story:
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian
I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.