Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all