FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*