FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
You Might Also Like
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Life cycle of cat
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move