Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?