Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Thrilling chase underway

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?