Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

I think I’m having a stroke

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

🤣

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.