Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

thank god the sign was there

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.