Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.