Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds