Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

sin harder.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

💯😂