Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

Encore…

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*