flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.