flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
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Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Just read an article that said, “As the 2030s loom nearer,” and it was so rude.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on