flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Me trying to “trust the process”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”