flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
#Caturday
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?