Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200