FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
why no one uses midhusbands
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.