Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.