My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.