Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
