flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
no exceptions
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
