flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
