@BoHorseManJack

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

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@MarfSalvador

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

@adilansari

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

@themiltron

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

@LuvPug

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

@WheelTod

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

@NewDadNotes

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

@HairyJew4Life

Me: What’s one thing you don’t like about your girlfriend?

Him: She doesn’t swallow.

Me: What? How does she eat?

@sofarrsogud

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

@mikefossey

BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon