My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
And that about sums it up.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done