Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
bias laundering edition
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right