Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco