Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
me when i see my girls butt
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
my sentiments exactly
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
