Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
In space, no one can hear…
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
murder on the timeline
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
This is my pinned tweet
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
