Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.