Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Worlds greatest photobomb
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“i am a sweet baby”
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
