FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
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If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.