Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.