Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.