Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.

Who knew!

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).