FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
#CatsOnTwitter
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.