flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific