Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many