flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned