flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.