flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together