flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
My sex drive has a dui
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.