flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
As a doctor, I can confirm
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.