Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am