Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Some people were born into their job.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing