Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti