FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“I wouldn’t.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.