FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

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If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.


I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.


Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.


Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.


me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”


me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?


hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume


It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.


My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.