@Brampersandon_

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

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@randomnloveit

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

@karanbirtinna

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

@GlennyRodge

Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.

@ricksteelman

Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.

@TheHyyyype

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

@Gupton68

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

@Kalarlis

hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume

@BucMarvin

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

@WilliamAder

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.