Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

looks legit

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask