flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
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Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I could NOT have put it better myself.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked