flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The Birdles
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Feel. He’s so soft.
how to market bottled water to dads
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby