flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
They’re called werewolves.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy