Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

you’re damn right i have

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year