flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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pat pat
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.