flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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This trial is so absurd 😭
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
