@AndyAsAdjective

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

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@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@lovemydogduck

I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

@MarfSalvador

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

@IamEnidColeslaw

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

@shegotagronk

Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.

@RappaRick

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

@hyperblastchic

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

@ADDiane

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

@Darlainky

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.