flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.