My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.